Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
