This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
