God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
