I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
