I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
