Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
