Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
