Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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