Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
