I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
