somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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