well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
People with herpes should wear stickers.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
