Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
