Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
