I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
