you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
