Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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