yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
