his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
