Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
