i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
