So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
