Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
