I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
