wrigley field is MILF paradise
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
