90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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