nut hugger
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
