when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
