Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
