If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
