A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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