Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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