I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
