I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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