But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
