I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
