I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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