I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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