So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
