hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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