I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
