She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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