Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Couch. On fire.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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