Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
