If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
