If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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