At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
