You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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