I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
