if i can run in heels then i can drive
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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