I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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