I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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